Integrate!

Yes. I am being pretty hard on you. I said that to someone in a coaching session last night. He was curious about how I decide when to challenge and when to support. He'd watch me do some metaphor coaching, which probably looked like fun from the outside. It was about stepping into the body of a powerful animal and exploring a landscape to which that particular animal was well-suited. Compared to that, some probing questions that led to uncomfortable answers were rough. The difference was that the first client knew what he wanted and so we were able to explore what he wanted using a metaphor. That metaphor protected his privacy while it allowed him to discover that he was stronger than he might have thought as he approached a challenge. The challenge was relatively well-defined, and since he picked the metaphor there was no danger that I was leading him to feel stronger than he really is. He  felt pushed a little anyway. Coaching is not about letting someone sit with their li...

Influence is not always fun. Supportive influence is not always fun. If you want to communicate in a way that gets results, it will feel good overall. It might not feel good all the time. Let's take coaching as an instance of supportive influence that can be tough on your sense of yourself and your beliefs about the world. This is not the popular view: visit any of the coaching associations or training advertisements and you won't find this caveat: This activity may break your heart or your spirit. Caution is encouraged.  Nope. Instead you find definitions about 'partnering' and language around 'empowering.'  Yes and. Coaches training should ask: Do you know how to develop a strong heart, a strong head, and a strong stomach? Some days, your clients will take your work and run with it. And forget that you had anything to do with it. Yes, of course it is optimal when your clients own their changes. But be honest: where is your satisfaction (and your business...

Coaches are people who get paid to believe that you have what you need to be more successful at work or at life. They can do lots of good work, but there is always a sliver of an out: they believe in you because it's their job to believe. That leaves just a little room for doubt. Friends are people who just believe that you have what you need to be more successful. There's no wiggle room.  They don't get a payoff for believing: they just do. This is why people who want to be depressed have to hide from their friends.  Friends would look at them and see possibility and hope and strength.  Accepting their belief would take so much attention and energy that there would be none left for being depressed. It's also hard to give up, quit, or walk away if you hang out with people who look at you and see strength and skill and resilience.  You might change direction or you might change activities but you would have to be very strong to overcome their belief in you and jus...