Integrate!

 When something bad happens, people generally fall into two camps. One camp says: "This bad thing happened. We need an investigation and we need apologies. We need restitution. We need justice." These are all good things but they are mostly attempts to solve a problem that is in the past. This is what grief does. It makes us look back and value what has been lost. They build a lighthouse so others will know where the dangers are. As we heal from grief, we ask different questions. What's next? This is the response of the second camp. That happened and it's horrible. But now what? What do we want next? They know that a lighthouse isn't enough. You also need a better boat if you want people to travel safely. The second camp is the NLP ( neurolinguistic programming ) camp. It believes that the best way forward is to make a mental model of a desirable future. It's not enough to know what you wish had never happened. You have to know what you want to rise from the a...

 If you're like me, you're frustrated. There's too much work and too little laughter in your days. There are never enough hugs. Times are tough, and you suspect they will stay that way for the foreseeable future. So what will you do? I know. Hibernation is a great idea, but it doesn't work for human beings. Pretending you're fine works for a while, but eventually even you realize that faking it isn't helping you make it. And you've tried wallowing, but it's not really you. So hit the reset button. That's frustrating, too. I know. For one thing, often the reset button is actually a hole into which you have to insert a push pin or paper clip. And then you have to wait. And isn't that just so very 2020? Photo by    Linus Strandholm   on   Scopio And yet, over and over again, you'll hit a moment when you are sad or angry or distracted. And the right answer is to push reset. Don't try to get better yet. Try to get back to neutral. Get up and m...

Photo by Ivan Babiy at scop.io Are you hanging in? There's a sense these days of life suspended - I mean both that it feels like we have been left hanging and that we have been shut out of our real lives for an unspecified amount of time (probably much longer than you hope as your fingertips begin to bleed). Some people have lost their work and some are overwhelmed by work. Some are trying to be full time parent/teachers/caregivers while also doing their day jobs. As if. They are quickly becoming their evening into night-time jobs too. They don't have a choice about their circumstances. They do have a choice about how to respond, and so do you. You can hang in there and hope that you will adapt (or that life will go back to normal before you have to adapt). Or you can recognize that many, many changes are coming, and you can start developing the strength and flexibility to build a life that satisfies you, no matter what happens. If you've read this blog befor...

Does it sound easy? Coaching often starts with the idea that you already have what you need. You just need to bring it to the surface. We give this names like 'strengths-based coaching' and 'positive psychology' and it can sound both impossible and impossibly easy. It's easy like coal mining is easy.  I'm writing this from the Maritimes, just across the Strait from Cape Breton Island.  Maybe you've heard this anthem for coal miners, Working Man , by Rita McNeill. It's a great song anywhere but it means a little more out here. © Can Stock Photo / tomas1111 It's true that committing to your goals means committing to finding the strengths and resources that will allow you to achieve them. Digging for resources gets great results: but it's not always easy. Sometimes it is back-breaking, frightening, risky work. The best resources are often attached to your darkest experiences (the ones you overcame so that you can set goals today). If you ex...

Someone asked me this week, "how do you teach a kid to let go of a failure and move on." You can't get there from here. As long as you are thinking about failure, you are holding onto it. Even if the voice in your head is chanting "Let it go." We're not built that way. Our brains are built to let go of things we are not accessing, not giving any attention. As soon as we give something our attention, we make it easier to access. You make your fears and your failures stronger when you give them your attention. Even if you're telling yourself "just let it go." "Let it go" is impossible advice. It's like telling kids to "sit still and listen." Many kids listen by moving. They can't listen if they sit still and they can't sit still if they are listening. One of the secrets to leadership is to give people instructions they can follow. In this case, the instruction is not to "let go." It's "bu...

I was watching a promo video for a program in leadership. The speaker said she taught the 'soft skills.' Hard skills, technical skills will get you a job, but soft skills, she said, would help you progress through your career. I've played contact sports and I've gone through labour twice (the second time without drugs). I would rather do that than be torn to shreds by the words of someone I trusted. So I am not sure that I can get on board with reading and responding to people being 'soft' and manipulating stuff that doesn't fight back as being 'hard.'  I think the hardest moments in the life of any leader are the ones where she has to make a decision without knowing what is right, when she has to stand in front of people and show more confidence than she feels so that they will have courage, when she has to back off and let people make their own mistakes.  It takes skill to navigate those kind of situations and that kind of skill takes a lifetime ...

I recently gathered some of my best friends and closest associates and asked them to bring as a gift a story of persistence. Persistence is not one of the sexier virtues, and it's one of the hardest to define. What's the difference between doing the same thing and expecting a different result (insanity!) and sticking to your plan long enough for it to work? Are you crazy if you keep hoping for something that isn't happening or are you unfocused if you abandon your goal because you don't get instant success? Here's what my fairy godmothers and godfathers offered me as gifts of persistence: Sometimes life is like knitting: you have to trust the pattern because the early results don't look anything like the end results. If there is work that matters at the top, you take whatever time you need to climb 98 stairs while recovering from pneumonia. You earn your peace with hard, sweaty work. It takes humour and courage to keep trying. Structure and support coun...