Integrate!

There's a lot of nonsense written about developing rapport. Most of it suggests that rapport requires conscious effort and is inevitably worth that effort. Like much in the self-development field (and, indeed, in all changework fields) this is true, from a certain point of view. The point of view is that of a self-aware person working one to one.  When you have superb state management and a clear purpose, then developing rapport can be a strategic move that gives you more information about the people you need to convince, play or beat to get what you want. Sociopaths can do rapport because it helps them to get what they want and they are never burdened by their impact on someone else. As soon as you're working with a conscience, you have to question whether your commitment to your goal will override all other considerations and allow you to manipulate other people through rapport. What's likely to happen is that you are going to be drawn into a genuine connection. And t...

There are many reasons why training at NLP Canada Training is a special experience. Two that get lots of attention are the home-baked banana bread and the good chocolate. People are often surprised at how much they enjoy both, even if they do not eat the sweets. They notice, unconsciously, the frame that we set, test it against their experience, and settle in to do the work more comfortably and more effectively. I am sure it's possible to set the tone for a great NLP training without greeting people with good coffee, assorted teas, and fresh baked banana bread.  But it works for us. The home baking is like taking out a billboard that says "this is a safe place." Almost before they have chosen a seat, our clients feel good about what will unfold. What kind of person has fresh, home-baked goods waiting for you when you arrive? A mom. A friend. Someone who is willing to welcome you into their home.  Nothing says "I care for you in a socially appropriate way" like...

If the five minutes in question in the first five minutes of a conversation or meeting, it will make almost all the difference in determining whether or not you are successful in getting what you want from the encounter. In the first five minutes, each of the people present decide: What you want from the encounter What attitude you will bring into the encounter What your observations of the other person mean for your likelihood of success. These three decisions now become the filter for all the information present in your encounter. You will notice expressions, attitudes or information that supports your expectations. You will likely miss information, attitudes or expressions that do not fit with your expectations.  It's true that much of this happens much more quickly than the first five minutes. But the first five minutes gives us a unit of time that most of us can handle more comfortably consciously. We cannot always imagine that we have made up our minds in the first 3 ...

I recently watched a video of a solution-focus therapist working with a client. The clip began with a number of questions and statements with which the client would agree.  In hypnosis and sales, it's known as a "yes set." If you're not familiar with the concept, it works roughly like Simon Says.  In that game, you get into a pattern of doing what "Simon says" so that you eventually do what the leader says even when s/he does not insert the magic words "Simon says." In the "yes set," you get used to saying yes until such a strong pattern of agreement exists that you agree with statements or instructions you might not otherwise give your agreement. The more times in a row you have said "yes," the greater the probability that you will say "yes" to the next statement. Yes sets can be seen in two ways. The first is that you are offering someone evidence that you are observing and accepting their experience. When every ...

Imagine this. You're in your early twenties, fresh out of school and you can't find a job that will support you or interest you.  What happens next? Now imagine: You're in your early fifties; you need an income; and whatever jobs you have had no longer support you or interest you. What happens next? It's easy to see that people who have a clear purpose succeed: or at least, it is easy to see that successful people often seem to have a clear purpose and a plan for working in line with that purpose. Logically, this does not mean that there are not lots of people out there with a purpose who are struggling to find ways to live it. But having a purpose does seem to build both resilience and optimism, and those often lead to a better quality of life. So where do you go to get a purpose? Most of us settle for goals: things we can see clearly enough to work toward with a sense of possibility. Often goals are handed to us by other people: they are called targets or obje...

I was at a coaches' training this weekend (taking the training, not leading it this time). The coaches involved had varying levels of coaching experience and confidence. They were all there to learn because like most people who dedicate their work to the study of human behaviour, they believe there is always more to learn. We all face the same three questions as coaches: 1) How do our clients know what they want to change? We can't assume they are using the same criteria or even the same thinking processes that we are. Coaches take training because they never know enough about the processes that lead to the best choices. 2) How do we help people make change? We all want to intervene as little as possible because that seems like the most useful way to enable someone to change in a way that will work for them. But it's hard to know where to apply a useful nudge. Coaches take training because they are always looking for tools that will get better results with less interf...

I suppose this heading might take your thoughts in lots of different directions. That's the way both connection and passion work. The direction I intend you to remember is that this sentence is a mnemonic that will allow you to quickly recall 5 useful beliefs about human beings. These beliefs will help you feel better, connect better with others, and set goals that are worth your time, your energy and your enthusiasm. I is for Integration. Believe that each human being (even you) is one unified being, that body and mind and unconscious processes all work together as just one integrated system. R is for Resourcefulness. Believe that each human being (even you) has the strengths, characteristics and intelligence to live a more satisfying life. C is for Connection. Believe that the mind/body system of each human being (even you) is exquisitely equipped for observing and connecting with other human beings. P is for Predictable. Believe that each human being (even you) works i...