The 4 Ps for Parents Who Want to Encourage Their Kids

Encouragement means more than cheering people on. According to Google, it means"give support, confidence, or hope to (someone)." That makes encouragement the key to helping your kids find what they need to face their challenges and pursue their goals, whether they are toddlers or teens or much older than that.

©canstockphoto.com/osons/

If you have a kid who is anxious or stuck, you can use the 4P process to help them find what they need to feel better and do better.

The first P is for presence. Your kid needs your undivided attention. I know it's hard to put all your attention in one place. You have a million things to do and you're tired and easily distracted. But think of it from your kid's point of view, and you'll understand why focused attention is important. There's not much that makes kids more anxious than fighting for their parent's attention. They feel insecure as soon as they think that they're losing you, and they feel safer as soon as they feel that you are truly present with them. 

The second P is for positive. This doesn't mean cheerleading and it doesn't mean smoothing over fears and frustrations. This positive means gently, insistently, helping your child refocus their attention on what they want and what is possible. It also means focusing on what is, and not on what is not. For instance, "he doesn't like me" is a focus on something that is not. You can refocus it as "how would you like him to feel?" or "what do you think he does feel?" depending on the situation. Everything is more manageable when we deal with what is real and tangible. When you ask questions about what is desirable and what is real, you help your child identify what they can do to feel better or move ahead.

The third P is for prompting. It's always tempting to give advice or instructions. It seems like the shortest way to a solution, especially when you are busy or distracted or longing for a peaceful evening. But the truth is that a straight line is not always the shortest distance between where you are and where you want to be. If you just tell your kid what to do, you'll both end up dissatisfied. A prompt will always be more engaging and more effective. Think of cues and clues: the things you can  hint but not say directly. You want your child to arrive at a solution or insight on their own because then they will own it - the struggle to find it sets it in memory so they can use it again. 

The final P is for patience. It has taken you many decisions, dilemmas, and disasters to see the world the way you see it and to know you can navigate through it. Your child doesn't have all of those thousands of decisions in their experience. They don't know yet that they can manage. It might take more than a few minutes, or even a few years, for them to believe in their own strengths, skills and capabilities.  Just keep returning to the process, and it will pay off. You'll have kids with dreams and skills and the ability to recognize their own anxiety and manage it. And they'll still want your full attention sometimes.