Encouragement Is More Powerful Than Management

Management doesn't just happen at work. It happens everywhere: we manage our kids, our partners, our parents and friends. We manage situations and feelings. We manage.

There's a funny thing about managing: it has two meanings. On the one hand it means that we like to run things, to control things, to give direction. And on the other it means that we are surviving or coping. You can see where those two intersect: managing means hanging on in a world where none of us are able to thrive. People and relationships need managing because we don't trust collaboration or cooperation. We don't trust other people to follow through or to be capable or to want good things. And we don't trust them because when we are managing, we are just hanging on. And that's not a position of strength or confidence.

What would be different if we encouraged people instead of managing them? We'd start with the belief that they were clever and brave and capable. What we don't always see right away is we would also start with the belief that we are clever and brave and capable. When we encourage we offer the kind of support that says: "you've got this and this is something practical I can do to fill in the gaps or give you a gentle push in the right direction."

Here's the opposite of encouragement in a form that often appears when people are managing and controlling: "you will be clever and brave and capable right after you fix these problems with you." It's framed as motivation, but it really says: "I am too worn down or broken or selfish to see your strengths or to believe that you already have what you need to do what you want to do." And what we really hear is something like "I'll be your friend and collaborator as soon as you are worth it."

Fake encouragement is the worst kind of management: it leaves us both just hanging on until something better happens. Real encouragement says, "Wow. This is a really hard thing. You've done hard things before. It's one of the things I admire about you. I wonder what you'll try next to do this hard thing." And then real encouragement adds one more thing, for emphasis: "I care about your experience. I want to be part of the network that makes you strong and capable."

You might not even be able to imagine having parents, bosses or collaborators that encourage you. There's a whole lot of managing out there, and not enough encouraging. Maybe it's time to stop waiting for someone else to do it first. Here's how you can encourage yourself so that you can encourage others:

• What do you need to hear today to make you feel more capable of doing what you want to do? Tell yourself what you need to hear. Write it down. Say it out loud. You can even put it in the form of a prayer: "Please let me be" and then fill in what you want to be. 
• Now find the evidence that you have what you need. Take that thing you told yourself and search your past for tiny signs that it has been true of you in the past.
• Imagine someone else telling you what you need to hear. It might be someone in your life who would never say it but does believe you have this. It might be someone who has said it in the past. Or it might be someone you admire because they have this quality. Whoever you pick, imagine a time and place where they would say what you need to hear. Then listen to their voice as they say it.
• Get up and move. There's nothing like moving forward on your own two feet to convince you that you are capable of moving forward on your own two feet.
• Find someone else and tell them the thing you need to hear. Don't expect them to say it back. Expect that recognizing that thing in them will build it in you. 

I believe that you are clever and brave and capable and you have what you need to take your next step. You might think this is because I don't know you. If I really knew you, maybe I wouldn't be so sure. That's possible, but it hasn't happened yet. I have met people who are going through really hard times, and every one of them has impressed me with their strength and caring and determination to get to a better place. So I believe that if we sat down over a cup of tea, I would be able to say, "This is really hard. But you're strong and you've got this."